My Story: Depression and Why I am Here

So today, I felt that I needed to talk about my platform Up With Girls. It's purpose is the help girls struggling with depression and anxiety find a positive place to go that will direct them to the necessary help.
Being that I am in a pageant, you have to have a personal connection to your platform. So then obviously I would have to share my story. Over and over. Yes I have briefly touched on pieces of my story, but you haven't heard the whole thing. So I guess I will start today's post with my story. Feel free to scroll through if you don't care, I seriously won't take it personal. ;)

(About when I was going through this experience of depression)

So let me set the scene. It's my junior year of high school. I'm still a bright eyed innocent ready to tackle what I anticipated to be only slightly harder than sophomore year. I was excited for drama that year, prepared to give it my all. The first musical of the year was 7 Brides For 7 Brothers and I watched the movie and researched the characters. When tryouts came around however, well obviously I didn't make it. That was a low blow. I actually remember going up to the list, praying for something, ANYTHING with my name by it, and when I didn't see my name, I turned around and my world slowed down a bit and everything was background noise to me quite literally feeling my heart break. Then I went numb. My friend with me asked if I was okay, and, being numb and honestly not knowing what was going on inside of me, I said yes and moved on. I was pretty fine (I thought) until lunch. Some girls were super happy that they made it in with good parts (as of course they should have been!) but when one of my other friends asked if I was okay, I broke down. She took me to the bathroom and I sobbed so hard, calmed down, and went to class. I went to cross country practice afterwards and my mom ( who was gone on a trip) called me. Open the floodgates again, but this time with no holding back. I felt so broken and lost and my mom was doing the best she possibly could over the phone. I went to run afterwards but found that even the slightest physical movement was too much effort, so I just went home. That was all day one.

The rest of the year consisted of Hunger Games, books, lots of alone time, many tears at night and prayers to God asking Him why I was going through the that. Friends that were there day one weren't there afterwards. Everything hurt. I even convinced myself that I liked being lonely. An angel came to me, an friend from junior high. She was honestly one of my only friends. I think that relationship, along with my mom carefully watching me, was what saved me from having worse depression.

Don't worry, there is a happy ending! ;) My mom eventually told me to try going to Bridle Up Hope, a Rachel Covey Foundation. They give girls free horseback riding lessons for thirteen weeks in exchange for volunteer work at the barn. They also have the girls read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey, a great read I recommend to everyone, and implement those habits into each lesson. I did get into their program and was very blessed to have gone through it. My riding instructors were all phenomenal! They listened and cared and encouraged. The horses were therapeutic and constant and I always felt fulfilled by the end of my lesson.

Now the happy ending! Senior year now. I walk into school the first day and what do I see? The first musical of the year. And it HAD to be Phantom of the Opera, the first play my Grandma Lawrence introduced me to when I was very little before she passed. I honestly just shrugged my shoulders and kept walking, but eventually I decided to go for it. I practiced so hard for Christine, sang the songs over and over again. Did everything I could think of. I'll be honest, I told myself that it was Christine or bust. I auditioned and can say that was probably one of the best auditions I have ever done. I didn't get Christine, but much to my amazement, I did make it into ensemble! I was so very happy! I could do it after all! I went to the cast meeting though and decided that doing the play wasn't the thing I should be doing. Instead, and now we are in familiar territory, I decided to do the Pleasant Grove Scholarship Pageant. I. Loved. It. I found that I could be myself and do everything I ever wanted to do in the pageant. It was like a breath of clean air after all that time. I met amazing girls too with amazing dreams! It inspired me to be better. What I love most though is that it gives you an opportunity to serve in the element you are most comfortable in through your platform.

So now you know why I chose Up With Girls. I want to help girls going through something similar, or are feeling similarly. I also want to spread awareness of the seriousness of Depression and Anxiety. People, this mental illness leads to suicide! It is the poison in the action! It kills you from the inside so that you eventually think it wouldn't matter if you were alive on the outside. Aylin Zafar said "For many (people), it takes years to find the right combination of help to manage their depression. For many more, they're not able to find affordable access to mental health care. It's a problem I wish our country and health care industry would make a real priority." I agree. So many say that they believe depression is an excuse to not do things, something we make up. I promise it is totally real and extremely hard to control. If you know someone who suffers from if, just love them and help them make their battle a little easier.

Look, I don't want to say I'm over my depression. I honestly don't think that you can move on from it. This illness is something that I and anyone else with depression and anxiety can't just stop. We are stuck with it for the rest of our lives. Our challenge is learning HOW to live with it. Mine is service and relationships. Yours may be completely different, but there is a way to live with it. Yes, I'll be honest there are still times when I go through depression again. There is a trigger, mine being rejection. The key is to know your trigger and then fight when you see that trigger. Fight like heck. It's a battle that we can not afford to loose.

I encourage everyone to please go follow my Up With Girls pages on Instagram and Facebook in the links below to help me help others as well as spread awareness. It starts with a like. Thank you!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/UpWithGirls?ref=aymt_homepage_panel
Instagram: https://instagram.com/upwithgirls/

All quotes courtesy of Buzzfeed. Full stories here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/michaelblackmon/stories-of-depression-and-suicide-that-will-inspire-you-t?bffb#.mkdKKA0LM